my soul brings tears to angelic eyes

  Why is it that I always find myself
Apologizing for the way that I felt

When you look in my eyes and lie through your teeth
Or when you turn an leave only marks from your feet?

Why is it that I am the one who is wrong
When you've been faking that smile all along?

You lie and lie, and I forgive and forgive.
And I'll try and try to be sorry for all the things that you did.

Everything thing that I've done, I have done for you.
But you've never said,"Sweetheart, I love you too."

While writing this, I realized that I didn't care.
I took ten steps back and I gave you some air.

I figured I'd wait outside, let you blow off some steam.
I hoped you'd be okay with the way that things seem.

But you slammed the door in my unsmiling face.
If everything was for you, then it was all a waste

That doesn't mean I can't try, I'll be damned if I don't.
I don't care if this rhymes, it doesn't matter anyway.

I love you now and I know that I always will.
Even if the last thing I see of you is your receding back.

This poem just doesn't matter anymore.

I'm reaching out.

Don't take my hand.

I'd rather fall.

So it seems that you have passed on by,
Left your boy behind wondering why

You were so quick to up and leave.
I'm sorry for this but I just don't believe

That this came from nowhere.
Before you leave me lying there,

Turn around and be honest just once.
Have you wanted this for months?

I want to believe you but I just cannot.
I know I suck but I guess I just thought

That I could make you happy, if only sometimes.
And try as I might, I can't find anything that rhymes

With what the fuck am I doing wrong?

You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines.
You almost made me cry again this time.
Another false alarm,
Red flashing lights.
Well, this time I'm not going to watch myself die.


Mad props to The Used, I still love them.  Even though their latest album was...a disappointment.  We can just disregard that. 

I admit, I have been neglecting LJ the last few weeks. I shouldn't, it's a good way to make sense of my thoughts.  And just kinda ramble on and on.

And now...I shall resume neglecting LJ to give House the mad love it deserves.

To all my amazing friends, many of which will never even read this, thank you. I love you guys.

We're gonna stay eighteen forever
So we can stay like this forever
And we'll never miss a party,
Cause we keep them going constantly
And we'll never have to listen
To anyone
About anything
Cause it's all been done
And it's all been said.
We're the coolest kids
And we take what we can get.

You're just jealous cause we're young and in love

* 1. Post these rules.
* 2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about their self on their journal.
* 3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people
* 4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
* 5. No tag-backs.

1. I'm seventeen.
2. I worry more about the happiness of those I love than my own.
3. I am so, so lucky to have certain people in my life. I love them so much.
4. I don't miss the way things used to be.
5. I think it's easier to do something for someone else than for yourself. Letting yourself down isn't so bad.
6. I have a jailhouse tattoo, administered by the self-proclaimed "Coolest Bitch Around." (Just kidding, boo)
7. I wish I could write something as beautiful as This Time Imperfect.
8. I've never failed. I just succeed at finding what doesn't work a lot.

    So, it's been a couple days since I returned from my adventures north.  I suppose I had some fun, but I'm very glad to be home. The Dark Knight is pretty much the best movie ever made.  I fully plan on being The Joker for Halloween. I don't even care if I work, I'll go to work with the make up on. I'm not scared.
    Speaking of work, thanks to Ivana-D, I was fortunate enough to have landed a job at Starbucks. Despite the fact that the store is about eighteen miles away, meaning it takes a full gallon of gas to drive there and back, I am very very glad for the opportunity to work there. Most everyone there is nice, and fun.  And I get to work with Ivana, so there's almost no downside.  There are so many things I have to learn, but everyone has made it clear that if I need any help, I only have to ask.  This is definitely a wonderful opportunity for me. I'm sixteen years old, working two jobs and about to have a very strenuous final year of school. Thank God I have a girlfriend who doesn't fly off the deep end every other day.  It is safe to say that I am a very, very lucky boy.  Just please don't begrudge me if I start to get a little insane over the next year.  I'm going to have a lot to juggle.
    I have to get to work on my summer assignments. I know schools going to start up again before I know it and I have so much I need to get done.  In fact, maybe I should stop blathering on about my days and actually accomplish something.

Summer I laid down, below
The glitter adorned night.
And silently sparkled,
My own way.

Love always;

    Tomorrow I begin my long an treacherous journey north. Joy. After last year, I'm a bit skeptical. I saw a kid accidentally cut his wrist wide open and start bleeding everywhere, and we had to call an ambulance. That was a long night. Well, I get to look forward to a week of my insane relatives telling me how handsome and grown up I am, then listen to them not at all discreetly criticizing my appearance. They can't be held accountable. It's just how the Macris are raised.
    Due to a friend of mine expressing something I omitted from a previous entry, I would just like to clarify the Dragana "Double D" Donko [aka Davey Havok! (yes, with an exclamation point, because you don't just say Davey Havok. You have to say it with enthusiasm)] was the good friend to me, who tattooed the French flag on my ass. I do sincerely apologize for not bringing this to the attention of you, the reader of my shit.
    I got up at 5:15 this morning to be at work by six. Then did all this nonsense to get the new Heidiwood stuff on the floor, and we have to wear our Heidiwood shirts again, which I hope will have stopped by the time I return. I thought I was awake and alert until I tried to put a rolling rack together. It came in six pieces, and two of the rods came with screws already in both ends. So you unscrew them, and screw them back in along with whatever piece they attach to. So I took the screw out of the end of one. I picked up what I thought was the same rod. I spent probably a full minute trying to put a screw into the spot that still had a screw in it, and I could see that it still had a screw in it. I finally realized this, felt stupid, turned the rod around...and did the exact same fucking thing again. I wasn't even holding the rod I took the screw out of. And then, Della picked up two random pieces and put them together, then set them down. It got to the point where I needed that part. And this part is huge, mind you. You truly cannot miss it. I looked all around myself, but I didn't see it. I got up, walked to the front of the store, began asking Della where she put the piece she had, and glanced back at where I was sitting. And saw that I had been leaning against the piece I was looking for. I put my hand on it when I looked around for it. I felt like a winner.
    Anyways..I return from New York on the eighteenth, coincidentally the same day Batman comes out. I have the nineteenth to wash my clothes and stuff, then leave for Tennessee on the twentieth. Gay gay gay gay gay.
    So Boys Night Out is pretty much the shit, many thanks to Ivana.
    Yesterday, I got to meet two kids that didn't drive me insane within ten seconds. They were actually very sweet and intelligent. It's definitely good to see that not all youth is in the shitter. Just around ninety five percent or so. But I know they come from good stock, on their father's side, at least. I can't speak for the other side, but I know they've got good genes in them. It was just really good to meet kids who genuinely are good and sweet. My opinion for humanity has risen a bit.
    I'm watching Batman Returns. Now, obviously, all the super hero movies are far from feasible. But one thing that never struck me as odd until now...is the fact that there are carnies...living in...the sewer. And I just now realized how random that is. I know we owned every Batman movie ever made since the first one where Michael Keaton played Batman. But now, I can only find three. Well, two, considering Erica has one. Just because Christian Bale is a "hottie." *shakes head*
    Last night, I got my ass kicked on a Wii, and found out that my Wii fitness age is fifty-four. Go me! Well, it's slightly better than, say...sixty? Just throwing a random number out there, you know...

...tragic irony or poetic justice?

Yo estava aqui muchas veces antes y regreso aqui otra vez
Y comienzo

Love always;

    Whether something is irrational or not is all a matter of perspective. For instance, if two people are in a relationship, and one is acting very strange toward the other, the other is probably going to be worried. But the moment the other expresses this worry to the other, they insist they're being irrational and stupid. And then, most likely, continue acting distant and unfamiliar.

   Or maybe the other is just irrational. Seems more than likely. Praying, guessing, hoping, wondering, losing.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Love always;

    Since the proper English language has failed to come up with a term for an idea in my head, I'm going to invent one.  Despite the myriad of useless and redundant words in our language, there's not one for a fake love.  And, if there is and I'm just not thinking of or finding it, feel free to prove me wrong. I've capitalized on our abundance of useless words many, many times for my own benefit.
    Spanish has the word,"puta" which means: slut, whore, bitch, etc. While we have so many words that mean the exact same thing. I mean, if two Spanish chicks get in a fight, one yells, "Puta!" and the other can't do much. Just say something like..."Si? Y tu eres muy gorda." On the other happy hand, two white chicks get in a fight? Ohhh, shit, yo!
"Slut!"
"Skank!"
"Hooker!"
"Promiscuous girl!"
"Tramp!"
"We aren't making any fucking progress, are we?"
"That's what your boyfriend said!"
"...was that even an insult?"
"I don't know. Why are we fighting?"
"Because you've been eying my man, bitch!"
"Oh, right, I forgot... Fatty!"

    So, uhh...if anyone has ever wondered if I've ever done drugs...I think you probably know now. Or my mom not only dropped me as a child, but used my over-sized baby cranium for croquet. Why croquet? I don't know. We're not an upper class English family. But I was born half dead. Maybe the thinking process portion of my brain was damaged then. But oh well! No point in dwelling on the why when the what is usually more relevant.
    Speaking of relevance, what is wrong with people these days? They seem to be getting more insane everyday, as anyone who drives must know. At my store, a woman spent just shy of an hour in the dressing room, stole several hundred dollars worth of shit, and left a huge pile of sensors she tore out of the clothes laying on the floor. As she left, she very nicely told all of us to have a nice day, and thank you for all our help. (No one helped her, I was the only one on the floor when she came in, and I said hi and kept folding the giant God damn pile of shirts.) I have to remember to hit up Wal-Greens tomorrow. If someone is actually reading this nonsense, text me and remind me to get there, before 6PM this time.
    I got to chill at the Donko house today. Always a damn good pleasure. Three hours of Hugh Laurie's obnoxious jokes. Made even more funny thanks to Ivana. And I quote (from the best of my memory):

On TV,
(Three doctors enter Dr. House's office after observing a dying patient)
Three doctors:  We have rectal bleeding.
House: All of you? How'd that happen?

(Ivana, Dragana, Laura, and myself laugh)
Ivana: (laughing) Because that would mean all three of them had rectal bleeding.
(Hysterical laughter from all but Ivana)
Laura: Oh my God! That's why the joke was funny!! I would never get ANYTHING without you here!

    That was definitely one of the highlights of my day. I'd have to say another was getting the French flag tattooed on my ass. I just figure...nothing I could do could ever be any gayer than that. Well, unless I were to have gay sex with that tattoo on.
    Wow, I didn't think I'd have anything to say, and yet I've written half a novel so far. Summer sucks. Nothing exciting happens. I was the cold to come back so I can safely go outside again. My inner goth isn't so inner that it can't feel the sun.
    Speaking of goth, Edgar Allan Poe. I think Mr. Poe caused the funniest part of the evening, for me. You'll always be my favorite goth, Mrs. Havok. Even if your online name really was dark-vampire-with-bats-and-no-sun-and-lots-of-blood-and-shit-and-stuff.
    I laid on my driveway for about half an hour, soaking up rain and watching lightning. I think that was the most relaxed I've been in a few days. It made me happy.

Whats the hook, the twist within this verbose mystery?
I would gladly bet my life upon it.
That the ghost you love,
Your ray of light,
Will fizzle out.
Without hope.
We're the empty set
Just flowing through,
Wrapped in skin.
Ever searching for what we were promised.
Reaching for the golden ring,
We'd never let go.
Who would ever let us put our filthy hands upon it?

The future is bright.
Without me.

Love always;

I confess, I messed up.

    One more week of school. Isn't that an exciting prospect? Summer should be just..wonderful. It's funny how I went almost a month without writing here, and now I can hardly think of anything to write. Despite the fact that quite a bit has happened. I guess I just don't feel like talking about it.

    Today is graduation.

Everyone changes, not always for the better. Everyone grows, not always together. It's no one's fault.

    I should probably shower. And try to find my red tie.

I miss you.

Love always;

   

    If I had to pick the two biggest influences on me and my life, no question, it would be Ivana and Dragana Donko. Before them, I was just another ignorant kid in a crowd, wandering around aimlessly. I really didn't have a figure I respected enough to open myself up to, or really listen to other's opinions of what I thought.
    I had met both Ivana and Dragana a few years before, but never really talked to them before Freshman year (when I was a mere fourteen years old, but they'll both always insist I'm twelve). They're two of the most amazing people in this world, and that much was apparent to me within weeks of talking to them. Without Ivana, God knows I wouldn't have done half as well in Geometry. Even though she was never hesitant to distract me from whatever Mr. Rose was discussing at the time. The hours spent in that classroom, passing notes back and forth like adolescents, or writing things out on calculators. I believe we had more than one in depth conversation through a graphing calculator. But mostly, we just had fun. Enjoyed ourselves by being ourselves.
    And Dragana, I was fortunate enough to have a nonsense class with her, Music Appreciation. Countless hours of nothing but talking and all sorts of obscene acts. Dragana opened my eyes to what quickly became my favorite band, which still is my favorite. AFI talks galore in that class. Both sisters have very, very much influenced my personal appearance, but it was Davey-poo who showed me it was okay (maybe not entirely acceptable) for a guy to wear make-up. And I certainly didn't hesitate to wear mascara here and there...and most everywhere. If it hadn't been for her support, I couldn't have brought myself to let people see me that way.
    Both Ana sisters have changed my outlook on how I want to appear. Before them, it was baggy, torn up jeans and a tight t-shirt everyday. Day in and day out. I never dressed 'nice.' Not even for church. But they both always told me how they wished I dressed nicer sometimes. And at some point, we played dress up and they got me in nice clothes and both exclaimed that I looked marvelous and, because of that, I felt like I looked nice in that type of clothing. And anyone who sees me nowadays knows how I like to dress. G by Guess for me! I never miss an opportunity to dress in a shirt and tie, or a nice vest or whatever. Half the time, I don't need an opportunity. I'll just dress for a wedding for the hell of it. I enjoy it. Ivana and Dragana, I like to think I'm making you two proud when I put down my dirty jeans for some black pants, and trading my ratty t-shirt for a button down or a nice v-neck. I think of you every single time.
    It seems no aspect of my life is unaffected by two of my greatest friends. My taste in music, for one. AFI, Brand New, Boys Night Out. Three of my very favorite bands, I probably wouldn't even have heard of if it hadn't been for them. I'd probably still be idol worshiping The Used. Most of us know what a fiasco that would be.
    My life is infinitely better now than before I met two of the world's most amazing people. Ivana and Dragana, thank you so much for making me who I am today. I wouldn't recognize the kid you met almost three years ago now. Three years, such a short time for everything you've done. I never want there to be a Donko-less time in this kid's life. Cause I'll always be the twelve year old kid for you. I love you both so much. Thank you for everything you do. This world is a better place for your presence. And yes, I do know that you're just that fucking amazing. I think I know better than most.

Love always;

I lay my foot down heavy on the pedal.
A speeding coffin of plastic and metal.

What's the use?
I keep myself in suspense.
Love or a car crash?
What's the fucking difference?

My car veers softly off the road.
What will kill me?
The sudden stop, or will my world just explode?

The gas tank is not unlike my heart.
Just waiting for a spark to be blown apart.

My hand out the window, caressing the wind.
My mind registers the car starting to spin.

The corner of my eye notices the tree.
Only on impact, did you stop hurting me.

I am not your friend.
I am just a man who knows how to feel.
I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your fucking family.
Yeah.

-Brand New, Sowing Season

There was a time when I was certain
I knew what it was to love a person.

To wish them there for every moment,
To think fondly of the times that you've spent.

To smile when just thinking of them.
But this is now and that was then.


And as of now, I'm not so sure
Just what my heart is beating for.

Thank God that it hasn't stopped.
Cause if it was me, I'd have given up.

    Disease, cancer, decrepitude, ineptitude, etc. All the wonderful things we have to look forward to in our old age. Once we hit the grand sixty year old mark, it doesn't matter how hard you struggle. You will roll all the way back downhill much faster than you climbed it. There's no getting around it. It is only natural. Or, as natural as could be, given our unique circumstances.
    For the most part, modern humans have a much longer life span than most animals. This, on the other hand, is unnatural. Humans are not special in this world. Why should we be? Most creatures have been here an awful lot longer than we have. But we are the most vain of any race that, most likely, will ever exist. We are determined to live forever.
    In our later years, our bodies start to fail. Why? Because we are not meant to live that long. Our purpose in life is to be born, better the world, create new beings, and to die. This can be accomplished in under thirty years, even for procrastinators. But, no. We fear death so much, we stretch out our suffering artificially. We have medicines, procedures, operations, programs, etc to lengthen our lives. These crutches are doing little more than making an embarrassment of us.
    Many, many people complain for many, many hours about things such as, I don't know, overpopulation. Because they're fools. It's our fault that the world is so overpopulated. They'll gladly denounce unprotected sex and couples having multiple kids. But suggest to them that they give up medical treatment to die a natural death to help their own cause? Think about it. What do you think they would tell you to go do to yourself?
    Many people on their deathbed will tell you that they are ready to die. They have been ready for some time. This, maybe, is because they subconsciously know that their bodies were supposed to be fertilizer many years before. Think, when a man gets old, what does his body do? It begins to fall apart. Bones become brittle and break easily. The immune system begins to fail, leading to constant infections. The heart stops pumping with the gusto it should. The brain begins to rot, causing senility.
    Why, I ask, do we put ourselves through this? Why live such unhappy, restricted lives? Why not live life to the fullest, then pass on? Why live life...then be all but bedridden for several years?
    When a man cannot hold an erection without the assistance of pills, it is time to bid the world adieu. Make room for the next generation, it's their turn. And they will need the space.
    Cancer is a dreadful thing. But it's doing the work that we're no longer willing to do. We're too quick to fight the inevitable, because we're foolish. We needed an enemy that we couldn't beat. It's not pretty. It's not pleasant. It's not something to be happy about. It's life. Or lack thereof.

Love always;

    It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see.
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by.
I can make believe that you're here tonight.

    Spring break is already half over, shit. It feels like it just started. I got back from Clearwater an hour or so ago. Already mowed the lawn, and have more work to look forward to with Dave. Whatever, it's all good. I have a fun evening to look forward to. =)
    So Clearwater was just a blasty blast. Laid out on the beach until it got cold. The second morning I was there, it was forty degrees out. Our timing is just marvelous. I walked out on the beach and saw all these people in coats and hats and sweaters and shit. I was wearing a wife beater. I said, fuck it, and took that off and jogged down the beach a little ways. There was this crazy looking hotel and I wanted to go check that out, so I ran to that and just kinda stared at it, while all these people are staring at me. The dumbass kid wearing nothing but a pair of shorts on a forty degree day. Then jogged back, through the water on occasion, and had some tasty breakfast. Walked down the road to this tattoo shop. Spent about forty five minutes just talking with the guys in there. Got an estimate on my tattoo. Seventy bucks. Not bad at all. I'm excited.
    I'm glad to be home, like a lot. I missed Erica, I missed everyone. Despite it only being a few days. Wish I had at least gotten a nice tan. Gas is getting just better and better. I can't wait to move to a place where I won't need a car. Just a little while longer. I'm hoping to pick up a second job. I have an interview at Starbucks. It'd be great to work there. See Dragana all the time. Chill with her and Alfie on breaks and shit. But I like my first job. The people are all chill as hell and the work's not bad at all. It's pretty fun, really. Glad I'm not paid of commission though. That would be a slight problem.
    Glad to be home. Glad I get to see a really cute girl I know tonight. I'm just...glad.

Love always;
 

    The angry burn on my hip is begging to look infected. I washed it with warm water and soap, then put some Emu oil on it. That stuff is supposed to be good for like, pretty much everything. Except acne. Because...it's oil. But I'm supposed to rub it on my ears a couple times a week to improve the elasticity of my skin. So when I finally feel like taking my gauges out, they'll shrink back up.
    Speaking of gauges, Kenji is kind enough to give me a free pair, because she apparently got doubles of the earrings she ordered offline. I wish I knew more people as kind as a few I'm lucky enough to have met. Less than sixteen months until I turn eighteen. I think I'm going to have to work on my self control a bit between then and now. I'm kinda afraid I'm just going to go nuts and start piercing random parts of my body.
    Shit, I hope this burn doesn't leave a bad scar. The damn pan only touched my skin for a second, how could the burn have gotten so bad? Daamn. I'll put some vitamin e on it or some such thing.
    Leave for Clearwater tonight. Everyone, try not to have too much fun without me.

Love always;

    I need music. That's better. It's so hard to type right now, I keep messing up. I started my new job today. I like it so far. I just feel so fucking good. About everything. I'm so optimistic and like excited. At Anchor Blue, not only do I get a 40% discount, but I can give that discount to my friends, family, whoever. It's crazy. I just have to be working or with them. Fucking fire.
    I made a pizza, and when I took it out of the oven, the edge of the pan burnt my hip. I pulled the blister off a few minutes ago. It's so angry looking. I hope it doesn't scar. I like my hips..
    I have to leave for Clearwater tomorrow night. I am fucking dreading this. Augh. I always sleep like shit when I'm anywhere but my house. Especially when I have to sleep with my sister. She does not stop moving when she's asleep. She gets more fucking exercise when she's unconscious. That's sad. And I get to share a tiny little hotel room bed with her for three lovely nights. Fucking splendid.
    Damn...damn, damn, damn... There that went. Now I'm just exhausted. Wow..

Even angels end up burned and buried in my backyard,
And you, you're just like everyone else.

Love always;
 

    Shit, I must be crazy. I read some of my previous entrees and I'm just like, Who the hell wrote this nonsense? Right know I feel perfect. Right now I feel better than any(drug)thing has ever made me feel. And just from very simple things.

    Went to the movies with Erica, and when we came out, we saw Kenji and Eddie Arroyo, one of the chillest kids I've ever met. Sat outside for a little under two hours, just talking. I haven't seen him, really, since freshman year. I spent damn near everyday with him the beginning of high school, courtesy of the Alternative Learning Center.

    I've nothing but fond memories of that school. I sometimes wish I could go back to those days. Just temporarily. It was funny how my mom was all concerned about her son being surrounded by what called "the bottom of the barrel." Honestly, I've never met such genuinely nice kids as the ones I met there. Don't get me wrong, there were some dicks, of course. More than a few. But even they weren't so bad. Besides, there's far more assholes in regular high school. ALC kids just looked out for each other. There were the outcasts, but they made themselves that way. By being stupid. Like this kid, Cameron. He was an asshole to everyone. It wasn't our own sentiments that caused us all to despise him. It was his own malevolence. But for the most part, it was damn close to family. The last day of the quarter, when we were all going to be going back to real school, you'd think you were witnessing the last moments of a family reunion, just before everyone went back to their respective homes. I miss that place. It was worth it. Lesson learned, I came off feeling wiser and genuinely better.

    Incidentally, Lucas drank seven milks yesterday (the video is soon to be on YouTube), and vomited. Today, Gill, who weighs about seventy pounds less than us, downed seven and kept it down. Doesn't make sense, I tell you. But I'm proud of him, that must have been brutal.

    I start my new job tomorrow. Well, today actually. It's 12:01. Talked about an ex-girlfriend today. It was almost weird. I found out karma is never far from any of us, it just takes her a while to get in touch sometimes. I just hope she's happy. Despite everything, I don't think she deserves to be sad.

    I'm out of books. I have a few pages of Crank left and then I'm SOL. My computer keeps trying to shut itself down. Flagger.

You and me,
You know that we
Were always funny
In a car crash
Sort of way.

Love always;